Sock by Penn Jillette

Author:Penn Jillette [Jillette, Penn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Murder Victims, Women, Gay, Gay Men, Mystery & Detective, Police Divers, New York (N.Y.), Crimes Against, Fiction, Atheism, Humorous, Mystery Fiction, Experimental Fiction, Toys, General, Women - Crimes Against
ISBN: 9780312328054
Google: ZNe7jvAQkhIC
Amazon: 0312328052
Publisher: Macmillan
Published: 2004-07-01T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

(A Piece of Art, a Poem, Some Truth—Not by Dickie)

“Hello.”

“Hello, is this the Jenkins residence? Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins? Tom Jenkins and Tina Jenkins? And do you have a little son, a son named William? You probably call him ‘Billy.’ Or ‘Bill.’ Or maybe ‘Will.’ I hope you don’t call him Willy/

“This is Tom Jenkins. Who is this?”

“My name is Parker. Parker Davis. Like the pens. You’re in Toronto, right?”

“Who is this?”

“Ijust told you.”

“What do you want?”

“How is your son doing?”

“I’m sorry, but if you don’t tell me what this is about, I’m going to have to hang up.”

“This is about your son’s leukemia. It’s gone now, right?”

“Well, yes. It looks good. We’re hopeful.”

“Are you thanking God?”

“We’re very grateful. What do you want?”

“How did God help?”

“God answered our prayers.”

“Little Willy is going to be okay?”

“We don’t call him ‘Willy.’”

“Maybe you should. Think about that. I want to run that up the flagpole and see who salutes it.”

“I think I need to hang up now.”

“You’re going to hang up on the man who saved your son’s life? The man who took that needle deep into his hip? The man who had his marrow sucked out and gave that marrow to your son? The man who took the blood cancer out of your life?”

“The donor has no contact with the recipient or the families.”

“Do you know why? Do you know why they keep that information secret? Why they don’t tell? Do you know why?”

“It’s a privacy issue.”

“Only if it’s a stranger. If it’s a family member or a neighbor or someone else from the bullshit local drives that they always do around dying people to get everyone typed, they tell them. If they find a hit in the family or among friends (they never do), they let everyone know. If it’s a family member or a friend, you know who it is. But your donor was a stranger.”

“That’s correct.”

“And they don’t tell you who it is when it’s a stranger. Do you know why they don’t tell?”

“Privacy.”

“That’s not an answer. The reason is because too much thanks is irritating as all fuck. Have you heard of Lenny Bruce? He was a funny junkie who died at the toilet. Like Elvis. The way real heroes die.”

“Yes, I’ve heard of Lenny Bruce.”

“Have you heard, ‘Thank you, Masked Man?’ It was a cartoon, too.”

“I think I need to hang up. I don’t like your tone.”

“I saved Willy’s life, you ungrateful prick. Listen to me. Lenny’s routine is about why the Lone Ranger doesn’t wait around for ‘thank you.’ Because it’s addictive. Because it’s irritating. It’s a very funny routine. Dated, but funny. It uses the word ‘fag’ for shock value, and now the shock value is in the other direction. Now, it’s not being a fag that’s shocking; it’s saying the word fag.’ It used to be the thing that was wrong. Now it’s the word. Tom? Are you a fag, Tom?”

“No.”

“Ever try it, Tom? Even once, Tom?”

“No.”

“College? Boy Scouts?”

“No.”

“C’mon, really? Boy Scouts?”

“No.”

“Catholic school?”

“No. I’m going to hang up now.

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